Pain changes a person the way you could never imagine. Each one so tremendous that I wouldn't think you could even measure it, but the truth is: all of us go through it. We're humans. Ordinary O2 breathing mortals, with equally vulnerable hearts, unless of course you're some supreme being devoid of any form of emotional attachments (not naming the ones :P ).
Let me tell you a story: it features a stupid girl, and a stupid guy.
They fall in love.
They break up.
They cry.
They swear never to love again. And they come out heartbroken, sadly wiser, and surprisingly unscathed.
I don't know why I get attached. To a particular little Barbie in my childhood, to a particular little guy in my teens. (In my defense, thats what Pisceans are. Sensitive, emotional and piteously hungry for any form of love and affection.)
I had a best friend. Yeah that one. Someone who understood me better than myself, who knew why I do things the way I do, who could tell what was going on in my mind with just one look, who always knew the right thing to say, who cared more than I ever bothered to, perhaps even loved me more than I ever deserved. Like my own warm and bright personal sun. And somehow, some way, for some damned reason, I lost that particular person. And I've never been sorrier that I screwed it. That was a brutal assault to a friendship of 4-5 glorious years, but the point is: it was my fault. Because I was weak enough to get attached. And let my happiness depend on something, or someone who certainly wouldn't last long. And now I see red every day watching something I was proud of having been mine, now belong to someone else. Stupid envy. Stupid me.
Its been the pits of hell ever since. Months of sitting on the floor against the wall and crying my eyes out, and looking pathetic in the morning, as if I'd been studying Chemistry all night. At times it would hurt so much that I would long to run to my mother and cry and cry my heart out until I could cry no more. Alas! tears are endless, and pain boundless. People (friends basically) would tell me every day every moment to move on, to forgive and forget, but they could say that. Because they didn't know what it was for me.
That bloody wound to my happy little soul scarred me forever. And I'm glad that it did, so I'll always know till which level to trust someone. People aren't pugs. They won't love you unconditionally forever. (I love you too Pogo baby :* ). People change, feelings change. And sadly, even when yours don't, YOU are the one who has to go through devastating trials when you'd rather just stop existing if that helps lessen the aching in your heart, if it means that the damned pain in your chest can disappear.
That one experience turned me into a bitingly sarcastic cynic, or so people tell me. Not really bitter, but sadly wise to the sh*tty world we live in. Not someone hateful, but someone who doesn't believe in love either. Someone kicked out of her fairytale paradise, the likes of which we often create for ourselves.
I am the only one responsible for my own happiness. And I am the only one to be blamed if I let something hurt me. Even if I've been wronged, its upto me whether I let it eat up my soul, or learn from mistakes and move on like a strong-hearted smartass.
Its not just my story. Its yours as well. Everyone loses people they love. Everyone faces pain, albeit of different kinds. I have an awesome set of friends about me, helping me pull through, and indirectly that too, because I know how many of them have been through the same crap. There's that one girl (The Head, mind you) who's always soothing me when I cry, and never giving false consolations. There's my brother, always ready to give me a helping hand, which my own blood brother couldn't have given had he existed. And every single friend helps in his or her own way.
I don't cry anymore. I smile because we had a good run, and I try to let go. Healing, is another long blog in itself. Because that's probably the hardest task ever. But we'll heal. You, and I, and him, and her. We'll all heal once we decide we want to. Once we learn to accept 'goodbyes', if not appreciate them, because, lets face it, no matter how much we hate separation, it can only be delayed, not denied. Once we start believing in the friggin' reality, instead of exulting about in the land of make-believe. Once it sinks in that 'Nothing lasts forever'. Once we realise that attachment is for mere mortals, and we are all bakaits with a greater future ahead. ;)
And the process begins with pressing the 'Delete' button.
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