Frustration

And, it's a six!!!!

I sat there watching the match between India and Pakistan, nails between my teeth, almost sitting on the edge of the sofa, Grandpa sitting on the next sofa.

"Why don't you go and study, and come back watch the last over Ashi?"

Yeah right Grandpa. Why don't we just put the fried chicken leg back into the deep fry, and just munch on the bones instead?

And did you ever consider the game CAN end before the 50th over?

"I've never seen you study consistently for more than 10 minutes. Why can't you stay at your desk for at least an hour?"

I'm sorry that you're never awake at 3 am when I've been studying since 12.

"All you do is waste the entire day roaming around the house like a big giant. You have a complete lack of concentration!"

I would love to stay in my room the rest of my life Grandpa, but your wife won't let me go without food. And she freaks out anyways, if I lock myself inside. "Ashi?!?! Are you okay?" (Read: Ashi are you alive?!?!) "Yeah Nani. Unfortunately, yes.

Grandma completely thinks I'm operating an underground spy service inside my room. Right, that too.

"Can't say anything, can you? You're not as smart as your mother. She could memorise anything once she read it."

Yeah Grandpa. Because AIPMT back then was all about people with photographic memories. I'm sorry I rely on my brains these days. Kal se roz chaar baadaam, okay?

"Go away and study. Watch the repeat telecast when you're done."

Okay Nana. Firstly, I'm NEVER DONE studying when it comes to you guys. And secondly, when people discuss the match and ask me if I saw that beautiful cover drive Dhawan hit, then I'm just gonna go, "Oh no buddy! I still have to watch the repeat. Aaj dekh kar batayenge kitna bawaal shot tha." Right?

"You wasted your entire two years doing nothing. Didn't do any questions, no exercises, lord knows how you'll get into a college!"

Lord knows when you'll shut up.

"Those students I taught have reached such heights. And my own granddaughter at home…"

I'm really sorry you got pathetic little ME for a grandkid. But we can't really change that now, can we?

"You still won't answer me! What if you don't get into a college?? What will people say? You'll just waste another year! What about our expectations? You used to be such a good student in your childhood. Now you're just as aimless as those boys on the street."

Maybe if you ever bothered asking what was really going on in my life, and tried to understand, for once, you would know what I'm going through, and perhaps its a miracle I didn't go ahead and do anything stupid. Maybe then you wouldn't really be more concerned about my grades than my life.

"Girls these days have no sense of responsibility. About to turn 18, but no concern about her future."

Yeah coz right now I'm only concerned that Kohli HAS TO STAY IN WHATSOEVER MAY HAPPEN!

"Its all your parents' fault."

"Nana are you gonna let me watch the match or not???" I lose my temper.

"You can either watch the match, or get into a good college."

"FINE! I'll get into a bloody good college."

And I get up, stomp my feet, and leave. Go into my room and shed a few tears of anger because all I wanted to do was watch a stupid match that I had had my heart set on for the past 2 weeks. But apparently, I'm not destined to get what I want. Anywhere. It's that phase in life, where all I do is lose. From personal matters, to a silly little match that mattered much to me.

And that's the story of my life. If you can tell me that you could put up with this, then I'm gladly willing to swap places.

Regrets

Here they sat today, on opposite ends of the bed, stuck like they were in life. Neither too close, nor too far. It ached her heart to be so far apart from him, when there had been times nothing could have been too close for them. What a mightily awkward predicament it was!

She couldn't bear it further, so she stood up and left the room. What could she have said that could have changed what seemed like the thing she most feared. She stood in the hall meditating for a while, then went back and sat next to him.

The sky could have fallen down, but they were not conscious of anything but the heartache.

She held his hand, this time with apprehension instead of affection. "What's wrong babe?" She whispered, for that was all she could afford without letting her voice choke. And she hated crying in front of others, especially in front of him. She was scared he would remove his hand, but perhaps he pitied her enough not to do that. She removed her hand herself.

She looked at his beautiful, silent downcast face as he shook his head and tried to smile.

"Nothing."

It was the hoarse 'nothing' that pained her. He would have told her his problem because he knew she could lessen it, if not solve it. He would have told her anything and everything, from a mere little pimple, to a major life crisis. But here they were, with 'nothing' wrong between them.

And she knew this time she couldn't change it, because he didn't look at her like before anymore. He was lost to her. She stood up and left him alone.

Silently cursing herself, she stood outside his house for a while hating everything she had ever done to him, wishing she could strangle the life out of herself and stop existing, if life was going to be that painful for her from now on. She looked back at his house, hoping with all her heart he would come out and forgive her and things could heal again. He sent her a "Sorry". But the stupid heart that it is! A paper once crumpled can never regain its former beautiful crispness again. Wounds to the heart can only be forgotten, never healed.

But she didn't think of it. The only thing she could think of was that she was about to lose the person she loved the most. And she went back. Again. Stupid girl.

He wasn't there where she'd left him. She called out for him, and found him in a dark corner. Morose. Gathering all her courage she went up to him, and touched his face. All she wanted was to console him, thinking maybe it would comfort him as much as it comforted her. After all, she could very vividly remember the times when simply being together was their favourite medicine.

He moved away and said, "I'm sorry."

She turned around and began to leave. He held her hand, for that was all the poor guy could do. But she broke away and left before the tears could.

Regret, is the most painful affliction of all, because we can never do anything about it anymore. It makes us feel more helpless than animals. We regret mistakes we make. "If only we could have done it differently!"

The only thing we can do about it, is think twice before doing anything. So we never have to face it again.

Pits of Hell

Pain changes a person the way you could never imagine. Each one so tremendous that I wouldn't think you could even measure it, but the truth is: all of us go through it. We're humans. Ordinary O2 breathing mortals, with equally vulnerable hearts, unless of course you're some supreme being devoid of any form of emotional attachments (not naming the ones :P ).

Let me tell you a story: it features a stupid girl, and a stupid guy.

They fall in love.

They break up.

They cry.

They swear never to love again. And they come out heartbroken, sadly wiser, and surprisingly unscathed.

I don't know why I get attached. To a particular little Barbie in my childhood, to a particular little guy in my teens. (In my defense, thats what Pisceans are. Sensitive, emotional and piteously hungry for any form of love and affection.)

I had a best friend. Yeah that one. Someone who understood me better than myself, who knew why I do things the way I do, who could tell what was going on in my mind with just one look, who always knew the right thing to say, who cared more than I ever bothered to, perhaps even loved me more than I ever deserved. Like my own warm and bright personal sun. And somehow, some way, for some damned reason, I lost that particular person. And I've never been sorrier that I screwed it. That was a brutal assault to a friendship of 4-5 glorious years, but the point is: it was my fault. Because I was weak enough to get attached. And let my happiness depend on something, or someone who certainly wouldn't last long. And now I see red every day watching something I was proud of having been mine, now belong to someone else. Stupid envy. Stupid me.

Its been the pits of hell ever since. Months of sitting on the floor against the wall and crying my eyes out, and looking pathetic in the morning, as if I'd been studying Chemistry all night. At times it would hurt so much that I would long to run to my mother and cry and cry my heart out until I could cry no more. Alas! tears are endless, and pain boundless. People (friends basically) would tell me every day every moment to move on, to forgive and forget, but they could say that. Because they didn't know what it was for me.

That bloody wound to my happy little soul scarred me forever. And I'm glad that it did, so I'll always know till which level to trust someone. People aren't pugs. They won't love you unconditionally forever. (I love you too Pogo baby :* ). People change, feelings change. And sadly, even when yours don't, YOU are the one who has to go through devastating trials when you'd rather just stop existing if that helps lessen the aching in your heart, if it means that the damned pain in your chest can disappear.

That one experience turned me into a bitingly sarcastic cynic, or so people tell me. Not really bitter, but sadly wise to the sh*tty world we live in. Not someone hateful, but someone who doesn't believe in love either. Someone kicked out of her fairytale paradise, the likes of which we often create for ourselves.

I am the only one responsible for my own happiness. And I am the only one to be blamed if I let something hurt me. Even if I've been wronged, its upto me whether I let it eat up my soul, or learn from mistakes and move on like a strong-hearted smartass.

Its not just my story. Its yours as well. Everyone loses people they love. Everyone faces pain, albeit of different kinds. I have an awesome set of friends about me, helping me pull through, and indirectly that too, because I know how many of them have been through the same crap. There's that one girl (The Head, mind you) who's always soothing me when I cry, and never giving false consolations. There's my brother, always ready to give me a helping hand, which my own blood brother couldn't have given had he existed. And every single friend helps in his or her own way.

I don't cry anymore. I smile because we had a good run, and I try to let go. Healing, is another long blog in itself. Because that's probably the hardest task ever. But we'll heal. You, and I, and him, and her. We'll all heal once we decide we want to. Once we learn to accept 'goodbyes', if not appreciate them, because, lets face it, no matter how much we hate separation, it can only be delayed, not denied. Once we start believing in the friggin' reality, instead of exulting about in the land of make-believe. Once it sinks in that 'Nothing lasts forever'. Once we realise that attachment is for mere mortals, and we are all bakaits with a greater future ahead. ;)

And the process begins with pressing the 'Delete' button.