Frustration

And, it's a six!!!!

I sat there watching the match between India and Pakistan, nails between my teeth, almost sitting on the edge of the sofa, Grandpa sitting on the next sofa.

"Why don't you go and study, and come back watch the last over Ashi?"

Yeah right Grandpa. Why don't we just put the fried chicken leg back into the deep fry, and just munch on the bones instead?

And did you ever consider the game CAN end before the 50th over?

"I've never seen you study consistently for more than 10 minutes. Why can't you stay at your desk for at least an hour?"

I'm sorry that you're never awake at 3 am when I've been studying since 12.

"All you do is waste the entire day roaming around the house like a big giant. You have a complete lack of concentration!"

I would love to stay in my room the rest of my life Grandpa, but your wife won't let me go without food. And she freaks out anyways, if I lock myself inside. "Ashi?!?! Are you okay?" (Read: Ashi are you alive?!?!) "Yeah Nani. Unfortunately, yes.

Grandma completely thinks I'm operating an underground spy service inside my room. Right, that too.

"Can't say anything, can you? You're not as smart as your mother. She could memorise anything once she read it."

Yeah Grandpa. Because AIPMT back then was all about people with photographic memories. I'm sorry I rely on my brains these days. Kal se roz chaar baadaam, okay?

"Go away and study. Watch the repeat telecast when you're done."

Okay Nana. Firstly, I'm NEVER DONE studying when it comes to you guys. And secondly, when people discuss the match and ask me if I saw that beautiful cover drive Dhawan hit, then I'm just gonna go, "Oh no buddy! I still have to watch the repeat. Aaj dekh kar batayenge kitna bawaal shot tha." Right?

"You wasted your entire two years doing nothing. Didn't do any questions, no exercises, lord knows how you'll get into a college!"

Lord knows when you'll shut up.

"Those students I taught have reached such heights. And my own granddaughter at home…"

I'm really sorry you got pathetic little ME for a grandkid. But we can't really change that now, can we?

"You still won't answer me! What if you don't get into a college?? What will people say? You'll just waste another year! What about our expectations? You used to be such a good student in your childhood. Now you're just as aimless as those boys on the street."

Maybe if you ever bothered asking what was really going on in my life, and tried to understand, for once, you would know what I'm going through, and perhaps its a miracle I didn't go ahead and do anything stupid. Maybe then you wouldn't really be more concerned about my grades than my life.

"Girls these days have no sense of responsibility. About to turn 18, but no concern about her future."

Yeah coz right now I'm only concerned that Kohli HAS TO STAY IN WHATSOEVER MAY HAPPEN!

"Its all your parents' fault."

"Nana are you gonna let me watch the match or not???" I lose my temper.

"You can either watch the match, or get into a good college."

"FINE! I'll get into a bloody good college."

And I get up, stomp my feet, and leave. Go into my room and shed a few tears of anger because all I wanted to do was watch a stupid match that I had had my heart set on for the past 2 weeks. But apparently, I'm not destined to get what I want. Anywhere. It's that phase in life, where all I do is lose. From personal matters, to a silly little match that mattered much to me.

And that's the story of my life. If you can tell me that you could put up with this, then I'm gladly willing to swap places.

Regrets

Here they sat today, on opposite ends of the bed, stuck like they were in life. Neither too close, nor too far. It ached her heart to be so far apart from him, when there had been times nothing could have been too close for them. What a mightily awkward predicament it was!

She couldn't bear it further, so she stood up and left the room. What could she have said that could have changed what seemed like the thing she most feared. She stood in the hall meditating for a while, then went back and sat next to him.

The sky could have fallen down, but they were not conscious of anything but the heartache.

She held his hand, this time with apprehension instead of affection. "What's wrong babe?" She whispered, for that was all she could afford without letting her voice choke. And she hated crying in front of others, especially in front of him. She was scared he would remove his hand, but perhaps he pitied her enough not to do that. She removed her hand herself.

She looked at his beautiful, silent downcast face as he shook his head and tried to smile.

"Nothing."

It was the hoarse 'nothing' that pained her. He would have told her his problem because he knew she could lessen it, if not solve it. He would have told her anything and everything, from a mere little pimple, to a major life crisis. But here they were, with 'nothing' wrong between them.

And she knew this time she couldn't change it, because he didn't look at her like before anymore. He was lost to her. She stood up and left him alone.

Silently cursing herself, she stood outside his house for a while hating everything she had ever done to him, wishing she could strangle the life out of herself and stop existing, if life was going to be that painful for her from now on. She looked back at his house, hoping with all her heart he would come out and forgive her and things could heal again. He sent her a "Sorry". But the stupid heart that it is! A paper once crumpled can never regain its former beautiful crispness again. Wounds to the heart can only be forgotten, never healed.

But she didn't think of it. The only thing she could think of was that she was about to lose the person she loved the most. And she went back. Again. Stupid girl.

He wasn't there where she'd left him. She called out for him, and found him in a dark corner. Morose. Gathering all her courage she went up to him, and touched his face. All she wanted was to console him, thinking maybe it would comfort him as much as it comforted her. After all, she could very vividly remember the times when simply being together was their favourite medicine.

He moved away and said, "I'm sorry."

She turned around and began to leave. He held her hand, for that was all the poor guy could do. But she broke away and left before the tears could.

Regret, is the most painful affliction of all, because we can never do anything about it anymore. It makes us feel more helpless than animals. We regret mistakes we make. "If only we could have done it differently!"

The only thing we can do about it, is think twice before doing anything. So we never have to face it again.

Pits of Hell

Pain changes a person the way you could never imagine. Each one so tremendous that I wouldn't think you could even measure it, but the truth is: all of us go through it. We're humans. Ordinary O2 breathing mortals, with equally vulnerable hearts, unless of course you're some supreme being devoid of any form of emotional attachments (not naming the ones :P ).

Let me tell you a story: it features a stupid girl, and a stupid guy.

They fall in love.

They break up.

They cry.

They swear never to love again. And they come out heartbroken, sadly wiser, and surprisingly unscathed.

I don't know why I get attached. To a particular little Barbie in my childhood, to a particular little guy in my teens. (In my defense, thats what Pisceans are. Sensitive, emotional and piteously hungry for any form of love and affection.)

I had a best friend. Yeah that one. Someone who understood me better than myself, who knew why I do things the way I do, who could tell what was going on in my mind with just one look, who always knew the right thing to say, who cared more than I ever bothered to, perhaps even loved me more than I ever deserved. Like my own warm and bright personal sun. And somehow, some way, for some damned reason, I lost that particular person. And I've never been sorrier that I screwed it. That was a brutal assault to a friendship of 4-5 glorious years, but the point is: it was my fault. Because I was weak enough to get attached. And let my happiness depend on something, or someone who certainly wouldn't last long. And now I see red every day watching something I was proud of having been mine, now belong to someone else. Stupid envy. Stupid me.

Its been the pits of hell ever since. Months of sitting on the floor against the wall and crying my eyes out, and looking pathetic in the morning, as if I'd been studying Chemistry all night. At times it would hurt so much that I would long to run to my mother and cry and cry my heart out until I could cry no more. Alas! tears are endless, and pain boundless. People (friends basically) would tell me every day every moment to move on, to forgive and forget, but they could say that. Because they didn't know what it was for me.

That bloody wound to my happy little soul scarred me forever. And I'm glad that it did, so I'll always know till which level to trust someone. People aren't pugs. They won't love you unconditionally forever. (I love you too Pogo baby :* ). People change, feelings change. And sadly, even when yours don't, YOU are the one who has to go through devastating trials when you'd rather just stop existing if that helps lessen the aching in your heart, if it means that the damned pain in your chest can disappear.

That one experience turned me into a bitingly sarcastic cynic, or so people tell me. Not really bitter, but sadly wise to the sh*tty world we live in. Not someone hateful, but someone who doesn't believe in love either. Someone kicked out of her fairytale paradise, the likes of which we often create for ourselves.

I am the only one responsible for my own happiness. And I am the only one to be blamed if I let something hurt me. Even if I've been wronged, its upto me whether I let it eat up my soul, or learn from mistakes and move on like a strong-hearted smartass.

Its not just my story. Its yours as well. Everyone loses people they love. Everyone faces pain, albeit of different kinds. I have an awesome set of friends about me, helping me pull through, and indirectly that too, because I know how many of them have been through the same crap. There's that one girl (The Head, mind you) who's always soothing me when I cry, and never giving false consolations. There's my brother, always ready to give me a helping hand, which my own blood brother couldn't have given had he existed. And every single friend helps in his or her own way.

I don't cry anymore. I smile because we had a good run, and I try to let go. Healing, is another long blog in itself. Because that's probably the hardest task ever. But we'll heal. You, and I, and him, and her. We'll all heal once we decide we want to. Once we learn to accept 'goodbyes', if not appreciate them, because, lets face it, no matter how much we hate separation, it can only be delayed, not denied. Once we start believing in the friggin' reality, instead of exulting about in the land of make-believe. Once it sinks in that 'Nothing lasts forever'. Once we realise that attachment is for mere mortals, and we are all bakaits with a greater future ahead. ;)

And the process begins with pressing the 'Delete' button.

Nine Yards

Like a never-ending enigma, the currently prevailing brouhaha about a mere nine yards of shiny fabric often brings the brains of our dear guys down to a state of a plate of Maggi (Read: utter and ultimate confusion).

Us girls, never wait and care to explain why we bother about "THE saree" as much as we do. Probably because we're too busy thinking about matching heels, but whatever.

Dearest counterparts, it's not just an ordinary piece of cloth. It's THE saree, THE farewell saree, a first for most of us, and special for all. Farewell, for us Indians, is our own personal Senior Prom, and nothing can hold back the horses when the girls get to shopping for it. It's not our fault. We are not THAT self-obsessed, conceited, narcissistic, but we just wanna look our best. (And of course, some wanna grab the 'Miss Evening' sash, but that's another story).

Every little girl dreams of being the Prom Queen once in her life. We all wanna glitter and glow as we sashay down the carpets, and we want to make it grand. Never mind the pain that goes into hours and hours of turning the town upside down searching for the one we want, THE perfect saree each girl has set in her mind, envisioned for the day. You must appreciate the effort that goes into endless trials of heels to go with it, and sleepless nights in case someone else bought the same piece. There's breakback Googling of designs and styles, and prolonged calls to the designer. Some keep the colour a secret, others go about singing praises of their best buy till date. Undoubtedly, "THE saree" becomes the most-discussed-analysed-debated topic among the girls for at least a month before the farewell. We bore our moms to death chatting about it on and on. We try our boyfriends' patience by not telling them the colour. Daddy gets sick of all the squealing about the pretty saree, and little sister would rather send it back to the shop and get a night of good sleep.

We? We aren't gonna stop talking about it until we wear it on D-Day and realise the other girl still got a better one.

I should shut up because I know guys still won't get why we fret that much. But admit it, you wouldn't bother attending the farewell if we didn't. :P

As for me, I took half an hour to buy my saree, and another half for heels. Now all I do is sit back and relax, thinking, "That was, by Jove, a pretty bargain." And if you ask me, I'll even show you how it looks. :P

School's Over

For all my fellow classmates, besides all the glee and exuberance over the sudden onset of winter vacations, did you realise, that school, as we knew it, has come to an end?

Have you ever pictured a life without school? No more bunking classes in the name of events and schoolwork.

No more politics and catfights over badges and posts.

No more hanging out in the computer lab and organising events we could devote our lives to.

All those unannounced substitutions and then going out into the field to play.

Quietly snickering at the absurd behaviour of the most ridiculous of our teachers, albeit with all due respect. (Science students read: Physics period :P).

English registers.. Hey bhagvaaan! :P

Ganging up against a certain person, a new victim everyday. (My personal favourite: Maria :P).

Teasing one another over something that may or may not be true (Bharat get that? :P) or unnecessary bickering with someone over the most plebeian aspects of life (Achint my childhood buddy :P).

Remember greeting each other with the very sarcastic version of our traditional namaste? (Ayush Singh _/\_ I'll never forget :P ).

YashRaj You crazy guy. Allll those pathetic jokes you make. :P And I still find them soo funny.

That amazing photo we really liked so much Pratap.

I could never thank you enough for that amazing t-shirt Umar.

Anshika thankyouuu for always being ready to play with me. Be it rain or shine. :P

Getting the so-called boyfriend-girlfriend to sit together. Dumb.

Mitali Laughing at your laughter. Because I love the way you laugh.

Making brothers who are not your brothers. Shriman bhai I really really love you broooo :) My endless support <3

Even though this blog was specifically for my classmates, I'm in love with my "favouritist" junior Chinab. I didn't know a girl could ever be interested in listening to someone else besides herself, but honestly, I could sit and listen to you talk for hours :P.

Trisha I know I annoyed you a lot because honestly, I don't really remember how to play the guitar anymore. :P But thank you for putting up with me and my never-ending demands.

For all the budding bakaits, Anubhav, Sachin, Astha, Aashna, good luck in life. :P And better make sure our farewell turns out awesome. :P

Teasing bevda Lakshya for all justifiable reasons (Sorry Sunflower. You're awesome :P)

20 people eating from the same one packet of Lays. (Biswas: I hope you remember me every time you eat Lays in life :P)

Nishi meri favourite padhaku ladki, my personal studying-strategist, over all those momos and orange we've shared.. Need I say more? :P

Rishbha that awesome model we made together.. And thank you for the help you've always given me. Without any questions. I love you Miss President :*

Poor birthday boys mercilessly kicked for simply having being born on that day. 

Our never-wavering solidarity against surprise tests and the extensive syllabus.

All that insanity in the schoolbus. (Water fights ohh lord). Rashi Rasika love you two sooooo much :*

Padmakshi Selfie Queen, we still need a proper one together :P

Revering the most talented person in the class (Pranshu --> respect :P).

The best workaholic Vice President I've ever met, and also my favourite non-vegans (Ankur and Sana) :P

Bitching about the very person sitting next to you.

Secrets and gifts that could not be exchanged over the phone.

Know what Goli..? I'll miss my "bestest" friend, the "bestest" guy on earth the most. More, most, mostest. And also, I'm sorry.

Free car rides anytime of the day. (Or night.. Thanks Ojesh :P)

Anushka thank you for making the Tamanche Pe Disco song so special for me :P

Staring lovestruck all day at your crushes.

All those WWE sessions over Bhalla's tiffin. (Read again science people :P).

There's someone all of us forget: Kartikeya who, even though, different, never lets us get bored. The dear boy I've known since the 1st grade, its about time someone acknowledged how special you are. :) :P

Every interhouse event. And the efforts which went into it.

Farewell 2014. *sigh* So many incomparable memories.

Our Word of the Year: "BAKAIT"

The point is, while we are at home thinking about our future and the possibly messed-up present, the past slips out of our hand, and before we know it, we are left with memories which we render priceless, but let them fade. So many mistakes made, so many regrets to live with.

I'll miss school. I miss my school already. I couldn't even name all of the remaining thousand people who were the reason I got out of bed everyday to come to school. So many people I've missed out on mentioning. So many memories I cannot even recollect more. The stupid dingy corridors. I've had many embarassing moments in there. The always crowded canteen only a braveheart can enter. But my school was half my life. All my life until now, in fact. I loved, I lived, I lost but above all that, I learnt. We grew up in here, discovered ourselves, and are pretty much on our own now, away from one another. Let not these memories fade, for they made us who we are. All of the above, isn't gonna return for us now (unless of course you're planning on flunking). School's over now. School days are over now. We're about to pass out.

I'm sorry. I'm sad. But mostly, its good riddance.

P.S. If I've missed out on someone, I'm sorry.. And it doesn't make you any less special for me. :)

Dear Boys

Dear Boys

This is to provide a brief insight into the mind of a girl, in the confines of which you often go astray, clueless creatures that you are. Strangely enough, you claim that girls can never be understood when you haven't even fully explored your ownselves.

Girls take a long time to get ready. But obvious. You would empathise were you the proud owner of a million shoes, not to speak of the zillion outfits we have to choose from. The simple dilemma of selecting a scent to complete our attire has our minds all boggled up, and to add to that, your whining. You have no right to complain, having no proper clothes to call your own. If YOUR closet consists of a blue shirt, a pair of muddy football studs and twenty million video games, WE aren't to be blamed.

We are about as interested in FIFA as a hardcore non-vegetarian would be in a lettuce salad. Do we blame you for not having read P.S. I Love You? Don't even make me start on last night's episode of Desperate Housewives.

Dear guys. We don't like waiting, even if we are 2 hours late ourselves. We only pretend to like your car and your sermons about its carburettor, because you are really really cute. Our silence isn't always anger. We need peace after 12 hrs of incessant chatter. And we only talk nonsense nonstop because we like the way you look at us and just listen. You think we don't notice, but we can tell when you're looking. Here's a tip for your annoyed girlfriend: No girl will not melt when sincerely appreciated. And no we don't care what you think, we are ALWAYS fat to our own eyes.

We are not jealous, but simply protecting whats ours. Every girl is insecure deep inside her heart, and if you can find me a girl who isn't, I promise I'll take my blog down forever. And never advise anyone either.

All of us want to be loved, and every girl loves it when a guy is crazy about her. We find it really adorable when guys get jealous, and secretly love infuriating you. Maybe not to you, but anniversaries and birthdays and Valentine's Day matter to us. And not just because of the gifts. But the sentiments behind them.

Even though it bothers you, sometimes we would rather be alone. It's really crowded inside a girl's head, and you need a highly upgraded app to sort it out. Even if we value branded shoes more than your silly gadgets, we still adore the way you are always hooked to your Playstations.

A chocolate can always smooth out the rough patches. A kiss always heals the biggest wounds. A hug can make even the most egoistic girl realise her follies. The best part is us belonging to you. And owning you the same.

We love laughing at your pathetic jokes, and sometimes we do that even if its not funny at all. Because its really sweet the way you smile. We don't need guys only to make boyfriends as our perennial sources of income. We need you guys to make us laugh and feel special when no one else can.

We love guys who understand. And listen. :)

Lovingly yours,

Apoorvi

P.S. For all the guys in my life. From friends to enemies to brothers :P

Deadline

Seated round the rounder tables

Singing songs narrating fables

Sharing secrets, laughing, crying

Teasing talking walking flying.

While in their hearts, despair grew

As imminent separation slowly brew.

The pretty, little girl, and the smarter one

The shy, big guy and the taller one

The rowdy jerk, and his quieter buddy

The boyish girl with her shoes really muddy

The guy who always had his nose in a book

The boy who'd never really cared for looks

The best striker of their school team

The girl who kept them ripped to the seams

The two love-doves who never left hands

The three hot girls who played in the band

This group of friends (which stays unnamed)

Sharing laughter, food and games.

Poking fun, selfies snapped

Made some jokes, and codes were cracked.

Teachers mocked, singers praised.

Talking how well Messi had played.

Teasing the guy who never bathed

Mocking the striker that he shouldn't have played

Pulling the book from under the guy's nose

Trying to get the lovers to not sit so close

On the face, the mirth that sits

In the heart, it lives in pits.

Happy as happy they could be,

They knew there would come a time to leave.

They shared the past and memories through

Doubted if they had any future too.

All good things must come to an end.

The road of life is beset with bends.

And though it seems to be full of fun,

Life has a limit under the sun.

People come and people go.

Some change us forever so.

A chance to be happy, we should never miss,

Nobody knows when the last goodbye is...